Falling From The Sky

My First Tandem Skydive in Action 

Ascending foot by foot the ground begins to look like a work of art.

Beautiful colors morph together- mother natures’ masterpiece.

The reality I’ve known becomes an illusion as I ask myself, ‘is this real’?

My heart sinks into my stomach as the door slides open.

The wind echoing in my ear all fear is replaced by the flow of adrenaline

Rushing through my veins my eyes widen and I smile so strong my cheeks ache.

I cross the line of fear- jumping into realm of power and freedom.

My lungs fill with air and all I can to is scream.

Tears stream down my cheeks as if all my past mistakes are making their escape.

Gazing along the horizon I feel like I’m in a dream quickly falling back into reality.

But this is my reality-there is no waking up.

I am living a dream.

Today, tomorrow, I am alive.

 

 

 

 

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Grandma’s Bucket List Check

The past few years due to family issues I haven’t had a close relationship with my nana. In efforts to mend our relationship I set up a night to tackle one of her bucket list items. After 18 years of always wanting her nose pierced I surprised my Nana with dinner and a piercing appointment. You are NEVER too old to chase your dreams!

I hope you enjoy this gem!

She did!

Nana’s Nose Piercing

Sleepless Nights 

As dawn approaches, my eyes yet to rest- my mind continues to race. Like a rapid river being pulled beneath the rocks. I find myself trapped in my own thoughts. What am I doing with my life? What makes me happy? Questions that haunt me leaving me vacant.  The awnsers to these questions can’t be googled, no therapist can help me. Is this what growing up feels like? Or is this just the conditional bullshit of life. Am I always going to be questioning my current state or am I on the cusp of something brilliant? I know I will do amazing to things -but how? When? Over the years I’ve become a planner. I have a fear of screwing up again. But life isn’t a plan, you cant prepare for it. You just have to roll with the punches appreciating each day we have. Accept the blessings and learn the lessons and your path will lead you exactly where you need to be- I think. But why the fuck is it so easy to say this, but cannot for the life of me just let go. What am I scared of? Is it failing again-letting my family down? Is it letting someone in and giving them the power to hurt me like the others? Or is it that I’m scared to be happy-truly happy- because I know happiness is a state that comes and go. Maybe I’m just scared of my potential because living a life with a past full of pain can only have beauty on the horizon.

You weren’t even mine. Why does it hurt so bad…

Savage- By Majical Cloudz

I remember the first time I met you. Just a group of adults hiding from reality, wandering beneath the sun, absorbing the vibes and in love with life. You wore a DeadHead tee and a fisher mans hat to shield the sun-dorky but cute. We all spent the day lost in another world. I thought you were cool-nice. I just wish it just stayed that way.

We began hanging out with the same people on the regular. It was a blast-shows, parties-just being young. We went on vacation to Texas with our friends and my boyfriend at one point. I remember getting high in the living room while you’d be hooking up with biddies. After you’d come chill on the couch and we’d crack jokes. It was a good fucking time. It was a rather superficial friendship at the time. I didn’t really know you yet.

After we got back from our trip I became single.  That mixed with physical attraction and an altered state of mind and well…..yanno. But it was cool and casual and we kept simple. But it continued for a few months right up until you left for Israel.  I don’t think either of us were prepared or expecting what we were going to experience when you got home.

As soon as you got back to America we made plans to hangout so I could hear all about your trip. You showed me pictures and encouraged me to sign up for the same trip-I did and now it will be my turn in May. (I thank you for that). I imagined this trip must have been life changing for you so I decided to surprise you with some mushrooms to reflect on the experience. You were stoked, and so was I. This was the first time you and I have done something like this just the two of us. FUCK it brought me to another level-literally. As we began to transcend,  I pulled out tarot cards to give you a reading to reflect on the experience you just had.  It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the reading ending up paving the way for the trip we were about to embark on.

This was by far the most powerful mushroom experience I have ever experienced. I’ve never felt so beautiful and powerful and yet broken and weak in a same night. I felt like I was a conduit. You a flower not yet blossomed but so much beauty being held within. All you need is to be watered. I was inside your head and you were inside mine. This was the first time in my life that the cosmic message became crystal clear. For the first time I had an understanding of what our existence in this universe means and it was fucking amazing. We talked about religions and came to the agreement that everyone is just trying to explain this ‘cosmic meaning’ in their own way. We came to the realization that religion is a beautiful tool that gets a bad reputation when people don’t unitize it correctly. I remember you sitting on the floor in awe grabbing your face repeating to yourself, “I’ve never felt so religious in my entire life!” We shared these major breakthrough moments together. We also shared some not so great ones.

During the tarot reading the ‘death’ card’ appeared. This doesn’t always insinuate death- although it could. It can also mean sudden change. This card had meaning to you because there are things in your life you told me you are not happy with and need change. You shared with me your thoughts and worry and I enjoyed every part even the parts I didn’t agree with.

As the trip came to an end the death card took its role on me. By this time I was physically and emotionally drained. The emotions I harbor from a near death experience in my past surfaced. As i relived these feelings you held me and told me its okay to cry and you felt these feelings with me. I felt safe with you. I know we were tripping, but it felt like you took my pain away. This night I was at my most vulnerable. I had a ‘bad’ trip and faced my biggest fears head on and you were there. Things I never intended you knowing and you held me the entire time. To be honest it got fucking scary at a point, but it was beautiful in its own way and I don’t regret it happening.

When I came back to reality we were in bed and you were playing with my hair. You gave me water and I apologized- you told me not to. We spent the rest of the night talking about our dreams,  the families we come from, the kinds of families we want to have. LIFE SHIT. The type of conversations some people get freaked out having but it was so genuine. Conversation grew weary and music took over. You put on Dave Matthews as we got lost in the sheets and you told me, ‘you’re so sexy with dave playing’.

Ever since that night you and I became much closer in a sense of perspective. We see eye to eye on a lot of ideas and issues. Thats is what drew me into you. Never mind your charisma, the way you laugh, and the sound effects you make. All the little things you did had my gawking at the thought of you. As I caught myself catching feelings for you  I knew it wasn’t a good idea from the beginning. I’ve seen for myself the lifestyle your living at the moment. The personal journey you are on makes it clear that a relationship for you now would not be successful- nor healthy. Hell i was having thoughts of changing my own lifestyle because I was seeing that it was not a good choice for me. So many thoughts and feelings conflicting each other. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. When I tried, I couldn’t find the right words to say to you. So I decided to write you a letter.

In this letter I made it a point to tell you EVERYTHING I was thinking and feeling. I told you about the life changes I decided to make for myself. I also gained the courage to tell you I had feelings for you. I knew you weren’t ready for a relationship so I asked to stop hooking up for my emotional health.

When you received my letter you reacted the best way I could ask for. You already knew the changes I wanted to make without having to tell you.  You were so understanding. You also emphasised that you loved our friendship and didn’t want to loose that. We were on the same page in the sense that you aren’t ready for anything serious. But you told me it was nothing against me. Only that you are at a very fluid time and life and need to figure shit out. I respected that and I understood that.

When I saw you in person we talked about the letter. You appreciated how honest I was with you from the begining and you decided to be honest with me. You told me that you hooked up with one of our friends-lets call her ‘Jackie’.  I played it cool. I laughed at you. But inside me went numb and it took all my strength not to cry. I didn’t want to know when it happened and I was relived that you didn’t specify.  You aren’t even mine….why does this hurt so bad I thought. After having time to process it, I didn’t care anymore. Our connection was genuine reguarless and that’s what mattered to me. Dispite my request to end the physical aspect of our relationship-it happened anyway. This time a ghost came over me. After I went to the bathroom and broke down. A feeling from a past relationship surfaced. A feeling I promised myself i’d never feel again. I couldn’t act normal this time. I peeked through the door and couldn’t look at you. I left you cold and alone that night. But I was the one silently suffering.

Giving days to process my feelings along with yours I detached emotionally. At least I told myself I did. I saw you at show with our friends it was casual and so was the sex. I was fine. I told myself I was fine. 

We had a dinner night with one of our dearest friends we will call her ‘Kara’. We all agreed we don’t spend enough sober time with each other and we wanted to change that. It was awesome! Jackie even showed up that night because she forgot her glasses at your house. It was fine, great actually. We all had meaningful conversation. Jackie has been going through some shit and we all voiced to her how much we care and that we are there for her. Reguardless of whatever happened between you two, she’s still my friend. I still care despite her hiding this from me. Jackie was overwhelmed after the conversation and left and Kara followed shortly after. You and I laid in bed talking about the night. I became overwhelmed myself because I relate to Jackie and what she’s going through so well and all I wanted to do was help-or at least try.  You told me what I said to Jackie was what she needed to hear-you told me I was a ‘beautiful soul’. I cried and you held me confused. When you questioned why, I told you that I feel like Im always helping others. I asked, ‘when will it be my turn to be happy’.  You promised me soon. To be honest, you just didn’t know what to say. Thats okay though- the question wasn’t for you, I was asking myself.

As I gained composure I asked you, ‘do you ever get sick of meeting the right people at the wrong time?’ You said, ‘No, i think you meet everyone at exactly the right time.’ You hugged me and told me you weren’t going anywhere. I told you I loved you, and you said, ‘I love you too’. But I can’t allow myself to listen to you. I know you will always be my friend-thats what you meant. But you’ve made me fall so in love with you with no intension of loving me back. I never asked for this. After last time I told myself Id never fall in love again. But you made me- so fucking effortlessly.  But you’re right- you do meet everyone at the right time.

You were my blessing. Without even knowing you allowed me to show myself what real love is. Not what I’ve been conditioned to think from dysfunctional relationships of my past. Love is being open and honest with another. Its allowing yourself to be vulnerable and weak- letting that person inside, exposing your fears. Love is talking about your goals- the type of person you strive to be and helping them achieve it. Love is seeing someone’s’ flaws and accepting them. It’s helping someone find their path to greatness because you see all the potential they hold within. Love is putting your own feelings aside to understand how and why another feels. It’s wanting them to follow their heart because seeing them happy makes you happy. Love is letting go because when you truly love someone all you could ever want is to see them happy with or without you. Love is wanting them to be who they are, because you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Three Days, Two Girls, One Car Crash: Martinique

Martinique stole a piece of my heart. Martinique is a French territory in the Caribbean that can be located above South America. It was never a bucket list destination or anything like that but when I was asked if I’d be game for an impulsive adventure- the price was right.

Her name was Emily-a sweet girl.  A beautiful human. Long blonde hair that sweeps in front of her piercing blue eyes. Each one of her features perfection as if Adam painted Eve himself. Beneath her beauty she searches for answers to justify her pain. That’s where her and I connected. I used to work with her older sister and always knew of her. Through social network we both became aware that we both have a passion for travel. After just a few conversations, and a few hours of searching we had tickets to leave in less than a month. The first time ever hanging out with her was the drive down to to the airport. We talked about life over a few bowl packs. Two very different girls, both looking for answers to similar questions not realizing whats about to be thrown their way.

Day One:

We knew this trip was going to be something else when it began with being told in a cold heartless voice, “you missed your flight, we closed 15 minutes ago”. Immediately i tell her  ‘NO’. I look at Emily’s smile fall to the ground as her face turns white. I insisted she calls a manager. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. Hell I was ready to buy another flight. I was not going home. Luckily due to the fact of not having checked baggage we were able to check in. Nervous giggles melt from Emily’s mouth and I literally can’t even…. We look at each other as we approach the terminal and we just knew this trip was going to be well-a trip.

Consider the fact Emily and I were on a budget and only visiting a few days we decided to camp out of a car rental. Since Martinique is a foreign island all the cars are manual. To rent an automatic was something crazy like $200-day compared to $20-day for a manual. I asked Emily if she knew how to drive a stick and she said “no, but I’m sure we can figure it out”. I  understood the concept of how to do it, but have only actually driven stick a handful of times. I thought about it and said ‘FUCK IT’. It will be a learning experience and let me tell you it was just that. We got our tiny purple Opel- a name I’ve never heard before. After stalling in the parking lot multiple times we were finally on our way. It was night when we arrived so we decided to drive to the other side of the island to the active volcano know as Mount Peele. We planned to hike it first thing in the morning.  The further we got away from the city the quicker we realized that Martinique is nothing but very steep narrow hills. A learners worse nightmare. At this point I didn’t understand the importance of being in low gear. I lost all power, on a hill-stalled. I was so overwhelmed, traffic began to form behind me and the horns followed. Panic set in and I asked the local in the car behind me to help move my car. I told him I rented a manual and don’t know how to drive one…smh. He didn’t speak much English, he just knew we were well-Americans. He just laughed at me and moved the car into the lot off the side of the road and went on his way. This moment I realized how nice the people of Martinique are because this same incident happened on three other occasions. Proudly I will say I eventually got the hang of it and was killin it. Emily even commented on my skills at one point. We were stuck in rush hour traffic on these vertical roads and I had the RPMs down to a science. If you ever really wanna learn to operate a manual transmission just rent one on an island filled with sketchy-ass roads and you’ll eventually figure it out. Guarantee it.
Day Two:

We woke up surrounded by fog at the trail head of Mt. Peele. Peele last erupted in 1902 and killed and entire city in 90 seconds- and we hike it. The entire hike was stairs after stairs, the air was suffocating due to the amount to moisture in the air. Straight up kicked my ass.    As we hiked back down we encountered a group of Mormon nuns who have been on a mission trip in Martinique for 14 months. I remember one of them was originally from Haiti and I found that interesting. These sisters were very nice, but interesting to say the least. We returned to our car and continued our adventure.

We cruised the island as tropical sun showers came and went. As the sky cleared we stopped at a black sand beach to throwback a bottle of champagne. Here we met a stray cat that loved attention. After giving him some love he continued to follow Emily and I up and down the beach. The three of us sipping next to a palm tree Emily asks,”have you ever been to a nude beach?” Next thing we know bikinis are hanging off branches and bottles are in the air. We felt alive and free. Here is where Emily and I talked about our dreams of choosing to make this lifestyle a reality some day. This girls knows whats good.

We spent the remainder of the daylight wandering deeper in the jungle. We pulled over to take pictures and met a group of three men. We didn’t speak the same language so it was a game of charades. They flirted with us by asking to get pictures taken of and with them-it was cute. We ended up smoking a few joints with them and they gave us a handful of weed to take with us. They wanted to take us on a boat to the neighboring island Dominica. As tempting as the thought was, it was too dangerous for us girls. We told them we had to go but they didn’t understand they thought we were going to follow them. Two of the men got on a dirt bike, the other on a bicycle. They linked arms and off they went. We drove in the opposite direction waving goodbye to three confused faces.

As night approached we drove to the cruise port to find dinner. After eating we sat on the pier  where another local asked us if we smoked-signed smoking with his hands- and gave us a handful of weed. These people are fucking awesome.  As we walked back to the car Emily and I realize we have so much weed, but no way of smoking it. In front of our car were two men from Dominica sitting on a bench. They come to the cruise port to sell natural body oils. I decided to ask them if they would mind rolling joints for us. One man spoke English and said yes, as long as we agreed to sit down and talk with them and share one joint with them. As the men offered their seats Emily and I insisted on sitting on the pavement next to them. This blew them away. He told us for being white American woman he was shocked by how humble we were. This made me happy. The man that interested me didn’t speak English. Our conversations were translated by the other man and made it all more powerful. He was a spiritual being, he spoke of King Shaka Zulu- an African God. He wore beads in respect of this King. These beads covered his arms, legs, waist -everywhere. He handmade each one and wears them each day.  What gave the two of us goosebumps about this man was that he went on to describe the ‘spirit’ that was held in each of us. The accuracy was unreal it left us in shock and on the verge of tears. In the car, repeating to each other,”How could he possibly know”? I don’t think either of us fully understood what just happened. What we did know was that this encounter was powerful and somehow this man knew us. Left overwhelmed and exhausted, we pull over to sleep .

In the middle of my sleep I awoke to men standing around our car. I see flashlights and immediately hide my face out of fear. One man knocks on Emily’s window and she opens the door. Around our car is a group of several police officers. fuck. I began speaking English and the man asked “American?” I nodded and he asked what we were doing. I replied, “sleeping”. Confused he asks why no hotel and I told the officer were were saving money. He informed us this ‘isn’t allowed’ then asked if our doors are locked. I nodded and they let us be. They even parked near us and stayed around for a few hours to ensure our safety. These people are fucking awesome.

Day Three:

Waking up the view ahead was breath taking. Parked behind a bench overlooking the ocean we decide to make our way to the water to shower. The two of us in the water, suds in our hair, as morning joggers stroll by. It was a sight to see. We spent the morning driving around the island just wandering. Then CRUNCH.

I was going around a rotary and took the wrong exit. There was a spot in the road where in America you are able to turn around. In Martinique, not so much. Following us was the only full sized Jeep on the entire island. Operating her parents car was a seventeen year old girl who was texting and following too close. Next thing we knew our tiny two door go cart is sideways. We pull over on the side and this girl is a MESS crying in French and knows little English. I just kept saying, “YOU ARE OKAY! WE ARE OKAY! ITS JUST A CAR! I HAVE INSURANCE!” Once she calmed down we agree to follow her to her insurance company to file a claim. Trying to explain what happened with drawings and shapes wasn’t exactly easy. The representative started to talk to the girl in French and she became very mad. Either way I’m covered so I didn’t really care how it turned out – her fault or mine. From what I got from the conversation, regardless of me attempting to turn where not permitted, she shouldn’t of hit us either way. She was going to fast and following too close. When the representative said this she was irate. I just signed the papers the continued my day. SHIT HAPPENS

We couldn’t help but laugh. Walking out of the insurance agency one side of our purple car is now white. The drivers door only opened from the inside now, so Emily lets me in. I try to roll down the window and it goes up, down, up, down. I bang the door to make it stop. Sitting in a totaled rental with  a window stuck halfway down I look at Emily and say, “What cha wanna do now?” She laughs and says, “to be honest I thought we hit a curb”. I died laughing the car is defiantly totaled. Luckily it still drove. I’ll deal with this later. We left the parking lot and headed directly to the nearest beach. Emily says to me, “I don’t know how you handled that so calm. Most people would let that ruin the trip”. “Shit happens, its just a car”, I replied as we smoke dubies in the sand. Trying to internalize the fact that we just totaled a rental we spent a while at this beach relaxing. This beach had dozens of  crabs,the size of hands. I’ve never seen so many at once, running sideways back into the water. It was comical the rest of the day sitting in traffic in a totaled car-made us laugh for sure. On our way back to the city we stopped at a field next to the ocean filled with tall grass. Emily and I loved this place it was special. We spent hours laying in the grass, eyes close, listening to the waves wash up onto the rocks. As it got later it came time to face the music.

I called the rental company and the lady told us we can switch out the car. I didn’t want to risk totaling another car and our flight was at  8AM, so we just returned the car early. This was the most embarrassing walk of shame I’ve ever had. By looking at the lack of expression on the ladys’ face I was under the impression this happens often. We took the shuttle to the airport 12 hours before our flight. Killed a few hours at the airport bar with good conversation with other travelers. We thought we would be able to chill in the airport under the impression airports don’t close. WRONG. At midnight airport security kicks us outside to the benches where we spent the night next to the homeless. This night Emily and I spent a lot of time talking about past experiences, and really learning to understand each other. Mid conversation Emily noticed a man standing in the shadows watching us and shaking. She asks me if I can see him. It was hard so I reached for my camera and zoomed in on him. I nearly threw my camera when I see this man was masturbating in the distance. We both look away and I ask her “what do we do?” Emily shakes her head in disbelief and says, “i don’t know, nothing I guess. Just let him finish”. So grossed out I ask, “What is this, a pity hand job?!”  We laugh it off not knowing what else to do. As it gets late, my eyes grow heavy. So much has happened in the last few days-chaos. I try to get a few hours of rest before we head back  to New Hampshire and resume our typical lives.

 https://youtu.be/73nkxEG1u3Q

 

The Beauty of Self Reflection

There is something to be said about an individual who is capable to look themselves in the mirror, and pick their ego apart in a constructive manner. Self reflection is a skill that some people are unable to obtain. Or even too scared to. Its not exactly easy, nor does it feel good at times- but it’s so rewarding.  I am proud to say it’s a gift that I have made I priority to master as I grow. I actually find enjoyment looking at myself in the mirror and being HONEST with myself about things I need to change. Through the process of self reflection I’ve come to accept the fact that I am only human and i will always make mistakes. By using this tool I’ve made the promise to myself to be aware and do my best to become the best person to my ability. You cannot fix a problem, unless you acknowledge there is a problem in the first place. Although, there is a fine line where self reflection can tear you apart. It needs to be used in a healthy, productive way. Keeping in mind we are human- you should regard yourself as a cloud. I’ve never seen a badly shaped cloud. Each beautiful in their own way. At times clouds can become grey,scary, and block the view-destroying everything in their path. You have the power within to choose. You don’t have to be destructive, you can choose to change and become cloud floating across a breathtaking sunset. I made the choice to change the parts of me I was not proud of. It was hard, honestly it hurt-bad. A kind of pain that brings the most power into your world. The kind of power that leads you to achieve your dreams and conquer all obstacles. The way I look at it, the entire world around us evolves and changes. Therefore, so shall I- not just to survive, but thrive. 

The day that changed my life…

January 16th 2012, I made the biggest mistake of my life. A mistake that has molded the person I am today-a true blessing in disguise. At eighteen years old I found myself living a life of drug addiction. I was filled with anger with no sense of direction in life. I used drugs and meaningless encouragers with men I would never dare bring home today to numb the pain. I destroyed all the relationships I had with my family-i became an embarrasment. I spent the holidays alone that year, crushing powder and fading away.  This lifestlye caused the depression to grow darker and I wanted to be numb forever. I found myself in a corner, staring at the wall with no light on the horizon. My strength faded day by day, I became vacant. I wanted to be at peace. At this time in my life peace didn’t exist for me. I chose a life of chaos for myself and I wanted out. No matter what I do you can’t see the signs. Redo, redo, start over, please.help.me. Pedal to the floor, the engine roar, just a quick shift to the right, out goes the lights. Where am I? I can’t feel my body.  I can hear. Is this heaven, there is rain. I hear cars pass over and over. I’m still here. I failed, fuck. A car finally stops- a couple. I hear him scream to his girlfriend “Oh my God, get back in the fucking car! Get back in the fucking car!” Nuh night. I can hear. I can feel. Ouch. Glass crunching, as jaws pry me free. A man protecting me with his coat, I clench him screaming “I’m sorry!”.Ouch, fucking  ouch. Blood. I look down and see the bottom of my foot facing me. I can’t feel my toes. Three men lift me from the wreckage and my leg dangles, hanging by a thread. Black out. A $20,000 helicopter ride, 8 hours of surgery and a 3 day pych ward visit later I’m back to reality. My entire family and friends at the foot of my bed, so many questions, so many tears, I caused so much pain. At the selfish expense to be free, I put my family shackles.  Seven months of immobily, forced to reevaluate the meaning of life. This wasn’t my time, my story wasn’t finished yet. This is just the begining.. A part of me died January 16th,2012. I like to call it my enlightenment. I was given a second chance because I have a purpose in this world. A purpose only I can fulfill. So I chose after a long two year healing process to start living life like I’m the hero in my own movie. I fucked my shit up, but I’m the character that will prevail to beat the odds and do amazing things.

To the boy who loved me when I was broken..

I never had a chance to say ‘thank you’ for the things that truly mattered. When I first message you on Facebook I was desperately looking to be loved. By anyone, you clicked reply first.  We began talking just shy of  a month after my car accident. I told you I attempted suicide and despite all the baggage you took the risk. Hell, you came with baggage too. We were young, so young, naive. Our families saw what was inevitable and tried to warn us, but we had hope. Turned out hope was the veil over ignorance. Our fate was chosen for us the day we fell ‘in love’. But we both had to learn for ourselves. I clanged on to you in fear of my life. You were the reason I didn’t go back to the dark place. You showed me I wasn’t ‘crazy’-you gave me a home. You were the first person to give me forgiveness for my mistake. Throughout the 7 months I couldn’t walk,  you would carry me to the bathroom, help me do things that were difficult. You literally carried me on your shoulders and that made me rely on you not just emotionally but physically. I was infatuated with you- I saw myself marrying you and having a family. We even made the promise with a ring. A promise I couldn’t keep. I was missing a piece to the puzzle. I hadn’t forgiven myself. Without that piece we were doomed from the start. As I began to walk my ‘normal’ life resumed. I moved back home and our relationship became long distance. I physically didn’t need you anymore- but I was still sick. You didn’t see that though. I hid it well. My old habits surfaced consuming the girl you loved and the drug addict returned. Lies, deceit, lies, screams, pain, numb. I made you numb, vacant. A man who was once so capable of making a girl feel unstoppable- I destroyed. I was sick and you were in denial. Time after time you forgave, you couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t be honest with you-or myself. Relapse, relapse, shut down, seize-sirens blare. I’m your arms, you scream for help. You have no idea why- I do. The rest is a blur. Fights. so many fights the resentment-toxic. Back and forth, clockwork for far too long. The ball was in your court now, jokes on me. I took every shot- willingly. Time truly heals, and the pain has finally resided. I’ve said sorry way to much- its become invalid. I just wish. I wish for your forgiveness. I wish for your happiness. And I wish for your understanding. I’m able to look back and say ‘thank you’. You are one of the few people who have been both a blessing, and a lesson. The greatest blessing, and the hardest lesson. I thank you for showing me regardless of my mistakes, I am lovable. I thank you for giving me a taste of my own medicine and making me feel pain. Pain i didn’t care about inflicting on you. I thank you for filling a void at the expense for our own happiness. I thank you for showing me what love is, and what it is not. Most importantly, I thank you for being the sunshine that got me out of a dark place. My skies are no longer grey.

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